Drizzle teases me. A threat of rain remains but for now it’s a harmless sprinkle.
Spoke to soon.
The droplets have now lost their patience with me. The faster I attempt to flesh out these thoughts the faster the droplets lose their temper.
Thoughts that I have not yet written down. Thoughts that I’m still carving out in my play-doh mind.
But the rain knows me. It knows I linger. It knows I procrastinate. I suspect the pressing shower from the dark sky is urging me to get on with it.
And I shall.
But first a drink…even though I said I wasn’t going to taste alcohol again. Guess I enjoy it more than I thought.
The slight burn of the vodka on my chest is most welcome. Somehow it seems to be a physical manifestation of a bigger, unseen event. Yes, my heart is troubled but it has no right to be. It has been dormant and silent for so long. So why now?
When I saw him that morning my heart did a summersault—and it hurt. It hurt so much I giggled and that’s not the only thing that doesn’t make sense. Who was he? I never saw him before even though everyone said he’s been there all along.
So why haven’t I seen you before, Person?
It’s very small. Possibly a 13x13. He never entered my space before. But here he is now. And here I am fighting giggles in the back seat as my heart tickles my chest with its back flips. All of a sudden I can see better. Hear better. I feel beautiful. I feel it showing.
But now it’s gone.
Along with its amber glow and tickling back flips. It was silly of me to think that his heart could do twists and turns for me, Ordinary, who used to be Extraordinary. Now I know what the vodka was for. I was trying to get my heart to move like it did mere weeks ago. I was trying to see better, hear better, feel beautiful and have it show. I was trying to smile again. To lift my spirits.
But it’s gone. It’s quiet again except the left side of my chest is sore. All I want is to curl up in my usual foetal position and go to sleep.
He’s, however, in my dreams.
Why, heart, why?